remembering dad

Ah, remembering dad. For most of us dad is what we like to call emotional whitewater. It truly is amazing the immense emotion that is wrapped up in a father son relationship.

See, every single one of us whether being a father ourselves or in remembering dad, there is this intense, undeserving admiration that takes place between son and father. There’s just this natural instinct for a son to worship his dad. And although undeserved, it exists. And here is why:

Proverbs 17:6 “The glory of sons is their dads.”

So dad can build on that advantage, that admiration, or he can squander it. But sons want desperately to be like dad. And they are watching us. And if that admiration is embraced and nurtured by dad then the son get’s to go out into life steadied and HIS LIFE IS BLESSED BY DAD. But if that admiration is squandered, then the son looses that advantage and will eventually come to realize that he has not been blessed, and that wound begins to rise up and he begins to hurt.

The unfortunate reality is that we are facing an epidemic in this country of fatherless homes and as a result boys are being inflicted with this wound on a daily bases. And the sad truth is that when DAD is missing in a son’s life, most times a son will not have the strength and stability to stand in life. And so as a result he sinks. He tends to drift in life and is incapable of living the kind of MANHOOD he was meant to live under the umbrella of that a healthy relationship with DAD. David Blankenhorn, in his book Fatherless America, said it this way:

“As a father, the good family man is not perfect, but he is good enough to be irreplaceable. He is a father on the premises. His children need him and he strives to give them what they need every day. He knows that nothing can substitute for him – nothing. Either he is a father, or his children are fatherless. He would never consider himself ‘not that important."

Son’s desperately need DAD to be a part of their lives.

DEFINING THE ABSENT FAHER WOUND

In session four we defined a WOUND and talked briefly about the MANHOOD wounds that we find in our suitcase or our lives. But as we REMEMBER DAD it is important that we clearly define what the Absent Father Wound is that may inflict us. The Absent Father Wound is defined as:

An ongoing emotional, social or spiritual DEFICIT that’s ordinarily met in a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP with dad that now must be overcome by OTHER MEANS.

An emotional deficit = No a heart connection with Dad

A social deficit = No companionship with dad.

A spiritual deficit = No substantive connection or direction from dad.

MEMORIES

I have had the privilege of spending many hours just reliving memories that men have shared with me about their fathers. Many of them were great memories of fishing and hunting, camping, sports, and just spending time together.
A TRIBUTE

If you find yourself in this camp of great memories with dad, let me encourage you to write your father a tribute. Take the time to re-count the many great memories you are so grateful to your father for placing in your life. And then take that tribute, that letter, and frame it and present it to him. He deserves it and so do you.

BAD MEMORIES
On the other hand for some of us we find ourselves on the other side, the side of the ABSENT FATHER and the pain and frustration that goes with that. And so we recall the things that we missed, and wanted to receive, but never did.
THE EFFECTS OF THE ABSENT FATHER WOUND
If you look back at your life and what you discover is a wound, then we need to talk about the effects of the Absent Father Wound. So I want to give you four things we see in men that indicate they have the wound.

1. Anger and pain
Boys that grew up to be men without dad feel anger and they’re not sure why. They feel pain. But you know, the Bible speaks clearly to that? It shows the connection between a man’s anger and his dad. Two verses in particular point this out.

The first is:

Ephesians 6:4. It says to dads: “And dads, do not provoke your children to anger, (Isn’t that interesting?) but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

The second is:

Colossians 3:21. It says: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children that they may lose heart.”

So when a boy has been wounded by dad he loses heart with life. He doesn’t feel like he is any good and he doesn’t feel like he is going anywhere. And so he turns in on himself and that makes him mad.

James Toney, who was once the International Federation middleweight boxing champ, was pictured on the cover of Sports Illustrated. They were asking him why he was such a tenacious boxer. I want you to listen to his words:

"I fight with anger. My dad – he did my mom wrong. He made my mom work two jobs, and he left his responsibilities behind, and I can never forgive that. I hope my father reads this article because if he ever decides to come out of the woodwork, I’ll be ready for him. Everything I do in the ring is about that. I look at my opponent and I see my dad, so I have to take him out. I’ll do anything I have to do to get my dad out of there.”

2. Extreme behaviors, specifically addictions or obsessions
And where anger is one way a son expresses the pain that has been inflicted, addictions are a way he suppresses the pain. So he takes the pain of that hole in his heart that has been left as a result of not having our fathers in our lives and he numbs the pain with things like DRUGS, ALCHOHAL, SEXUAL ADDICTION, and PORNOGROPHY. Because they are all a way for us as men to numb the pain that we do not understand.
And that’s why this issue of looking back is so very important, because it gives us the keys to unlocking the past that haunts us and drives us into the addictive and obsessive behaviors to numb a pain that we do not understand.

3. An inner sense of lostness – or incompleteness
So maybe you have not gone to the extremes of addictions or compulsive behaviors, but still you have this inner feeling of being lost, directionless, or just plain empty. Like there is just this piece missing inside that you just can’t get our hands around. It is a symptom of the Absent Father wound.

4. Homosexuality
Look closely at the words of Dr. Elizabeth Moberly of Oxford University. In her study on homosexuality she concluded that homosexuality, for the most part, in her words:

“Is a fracture of the relationship with the parent of the same sex. Homosexuality then becomes at an adult level a vain, eroticized attempt to recover from that fracture.” “Much, if not all, of homosexuality, depends on difficulties in the parent-child relationship, especially in the early years of life. The homosexual, whether a man or a woman, has suffered from some deficit in the relationship with the parent of the same sex, and later there is a corresponding drive to make good that deficit through the medium of same-sex, homosexual relationships as an adult.”

And so that wound left by the ABSENT FATHER creates this fissure -- this psychic fissure – or CRACK that a man wants to recover from as a result of the Absent Father Wound.

WHAT EVERY SON WANTS/NEEDS
So what is it that every son wants and needs from his father? Let me give you five things I think that every son wants and needs from his dad:

1. Time Together
You know the old adage: “It’s quality not quantity” it’s garbage. It’s a lie, unless you are talking about “QUALITY QUANTIY TIME”. Sons want dad’s time – they want those experiences and memories. Because it’s those positive experiences and memories that will give weight to his life. That will steady his soul.

2. LIFE SKILLS
Listen to what it says in Proverbs 22:6:

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

He won’t depart from it because it will make sense:
o He’ll know how to write out a check and keep up with his account.
o He’ll know what to do when he and his date walk up to the door.
o He’ll know how to share his heart.
o He won’t feel like a fool in life, because you’ve trained him up in the way he should go.

That verse also speaks to the issue of being sensitive to your child’s bent or gift. It’s important that we pay attention to what our child’s strengths are, what their bent is, and help craft a path that will maximize that gift. If our child has a gift with art we can’t try and force him or her to be an athlete. We need to honor their gifts and empower them to maximize them.

3. Dad’s direction with solid ‘why’ answers
What a son needs from dad is a philosophy about what life is all about. Deuteronomy chapter six encourages dads to do this with their sons:

“And these words which I am commanding [God is saying I am commanding] you today. You take these words and they shall be on your heart [Dad] and you shall teach them to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by they way, and when you lie down and when you rise up.”

This scripture is right at the heart of what we talked about a few weeks ago when we said PASS THE GREAT STUFF ON TO YOUR SON. Going to his events, attending his games, and being involved in his life is all very good stuff. But what this is saying is TEACH HIM THE GREAT STUFF. Stuff like:

o what is life about?
o What does it mean to be a man?
o What does it mean to be a man with a woman?
o What happens to you when you die?’

That’s the kind of things dads need to be talking to their sons about when they lie down and when they rise up, and when they walk through the day.

4. Dad’s convictions through modeling

WRITE THIS DOWN:
We will leave in our son what we have lived out in our home
It’s not just what you say; it’s what you do. It’s the way you react and the son sees that and that builds conviction – a certain security about life.
Look at the way Paul says it in 1st Thessalonians as he uses an example of fathering to talk about spiritual fathering:

You are witnesses, and so is God, how devoutly and uprightly and blamelessly we behaved towards you believers.

That is, ‘you saw our convictions.’ Just as you know how we were exhorting and encouraging and imploring each one of you as a father would his own children.
You see what a father IMPLORES and EXHORTS his own children with is his CONVICTIONS. And when a child sees those convictions and hears those words, it makes sense. And when you take your convictions and your modeling and your words together and you begin living what you are saying, we call that INTEGRITY INTEGRATION. And that’s what every child needs because it is easy to follow.

5. But most of all, what every son needs is his Dad’s heart.
Every son needs to be loved by dad and affirmed by dad and blessed by dad. In fact, if you’re a dad there are three things you’d better be sure your son leaves home with. He needs to hear from you:

(a) I love you,
(b) I’m proud of you,
(c) And you’re good at [something}

We get to see an incredible example of this scripture throught he life of Jesus. Yes that’s right Jesus. Because as a man His needs were not different that yours and mine. So at a critical time in Christs life in Mathew 17:5 we see the heavens open and the words of His father proclaim:

“This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased. Listen to Him. "

Do you see it:
o “This is My beloved Son.” - ‘Son, I love You!’ Here it is, a critical moment in Jesus’ ministry and heaven opened up and the Father said, “I love You.”
o ‘in whom I am well-pleased’ “I’m proud of You!”
o And then He tells the disciples around Jesus, “Listen to Him!” (because He’s really good!)

I want you to know every son needs that kind of a blessing from dad. If a son doesn’t get time with his dad, or some life skills or some direction, some convictions or some heart, then it leaves this huge vacuum and void and wound in his life.

unpacking the past

For most of us, the past is riddled with both good and bad memories. With noble moments and not so noble moments. And yet in those memories leys the answers to who we are and why we do the things we do.

Each and everyone of us carries a suitcase on our journey through manhood. How we unpack that suitcase and deal with the UNFINISHED BUSINESS of the past will determine the type of man we will become.

ADDRESSING THE UNFINISHED BUSINESS OF OUR PAST

When talking about ADDRESSING UNFINISHED BUSINESS we are not talking about blaming the past for who we are today. It’s much bigger and important than that. What we are talking about is really getting in touch with our past and understanding it so that I can be the man I need to be. And I can then change the things I need to change. And the POWER is that we are able to alter our focus and begin stabilizing our stance so that we can start moving forward in an empowered way.

THE WOUNDS OF A MAN’S SOUL

The unfinished business of a man’s life are wounds that have been inflicted on him in his past. We define a wound as:

Any UNRESOLVED ISSUE where a lack of closure adversely impacts and shapes the DIRECTION and DYNAMICS of a man’s life now.

THE FIVE MANHOOD WOUNDS

1. The ABSENT FATHER Wound
Now when we say “absent father” we mean either a dad who wasn’t there altogether, or a dad who was there, but he wasn’t there.
And when dad is not there, it leaves a huge gaping wound in our lives. Sadly a lot of young men have never, ever finished this business with dad. It’s so easy in the midst of that wound to either get angry and close the lid on our feelings or pretend that it’s just going to go away. But we have to know, it doesn’t “just go away” until we deal with it in an appropriate way. Then we can put it to rest and can go on to live an authentic manhood life. That’s what we mean when we talk about this Father Wound. It is so important.

2. Overly-BONDED with MOTHER Wound

The Overly-Bonded with Mother wound often occurs when we were growing up, and mom – for whatever reason – invested too strongly in us. She didn’t mean to hurt us; that was not her intention. Many times she rushed in because she was trying to compensate for the dad that wasn’t there. Or maybe he was there, and not involved – but she got over-involved and she overly nurtured us, and overly controlled us, and she touched our world too much. She bonded with us too deeply and she took care of us too often.

And the result is a man who goes out into the world wounded by being OVERLY-BNDED with MOM and often has one of two reactions:

1. He resented that control and fought with that control, and didn’t like that control and so he goes out with an image of ‘I’m not going to be controlled by anyone, particularly women’! So he always has a difficult time with women, because he either has to dominate them, or he’s scared of them, because he sees the shadow of mother in all of them.
2. Or, like a lot of guys today, he succumbed to the control and he succumbed to this power that bonded with him too deeply and so here he is at 25 or 35 or 45 or 55 and mom, in whatever way – from whatever distance – is still dictating the terms, controlling their emotions, and violating the boundaries of his family.

3. The ALL-ALONE Wound
Far too often as men we find ourselves all alone on this journey of manhood. And as badly as we might want to be connected, we walk through life completely disconnected from other men that are on the same journey. Friends who in the midst of turmoil are there to hold us up and can CHEER for us in the noble things of life.

We develop these large BLIND SPOTS in life that everyone else seems to be able to see but us. And with the ALL-ALONE wound we damn ourselves to continually making the same mistakes over and over again because we ourselves do not have the perspective too be able to see them because we are disconnected and all alone.

You know, one of the ingredients in modern life that’s so desperately missing? It is older men attaching themselves, in friendship, to younger men. Older men who connect with younger men to encourage them and mentor them. Mentoring seems to be missing in our world today and most young men have no older man around them who are just admiring and encouraging them in their life.

4. The Lack of a Manhood VISION Wound
This wound is as a result of having no clear vision of who you are going to be. And so we then become subjected to a societal driven “CONVINTIONAL VISION OF MANHOOD” which says:

“If you’ll put your warrior face on. If you clamp down the armor tight and you work really hard, I mean really hard -- I know it’s going to hurt you, and it’s probably going to hurt your family, too -- but if you’ll work really hard, in the end you’re going to get what you want and then you won’t need anybody. You’ll get there! You’ll be on top of the mountain!”

And so Generation after generation of men set out “TO TAKE THE HILL” of this CONVINTIONAL VISION OF MANHOOD” to find out at 35, 45, or 55, that it aint workin and so they burn out. Or for those select few that do make it, the few that make it to the top, they quickly find out that they had been climbing the wrong mountain all along and that the CONVINTIONAL VISION OF MANHOOD was a LIE!

And it creates a great wound because we have no vision that will take us over a lifetime into a noble masculinity.

5. The Heart Wound
The Heart wound is a wound that everyone has, because it is not a wound of NURTURE; it is a wound that we’re born with. It is a wound of NATURE.

Since the beginning of time, man has questioned why he feels drawn to do evil. Just think for a moment. Have there ever been times in your life when you just sat back and said to yourself, ‘Why do I find myself doing the things that I don’t want to do? That I know are wrong? Why do I keep investing myself in things that I know are going to hurt me and my family, and yet I keep doing it? Why do I get out of control? Why do I give in to temptation? To anger? Why is it that the things I know are right, and I know would help everyone – I can’t find the power to do?’ Have you ever asked those questions of yourself? Sure you have. We’ve all experienced this particular wound at one time or another.

The answer to all those questions is this, we all have a wound of the soul and spirit that no counselor can fix. It’s just part of our birthright, unfortunately. It’s a wound that requires a deeper answer. And unless we’ve learned how to fix it, this problem will continually – every day – undercut our masculinity and our attempts at authentic manhood. That’s what the HEART wound represents.

You see, how a man addresses this unfinished business will determine the kind of man he will become. So, the first issue in authentic manhood is addressing the unfinished business of my past.

looking back

Does yesterday really matter? According to Tiger Woods and Gillette (The Best A Man Can Get) yesterday is nothing more than a “Nice Memory” and TODAY is all that matters. Man, if only that were true.

What is true however, is that on this journey of Manhood, in order for us to truly embrace Authentic Manhood, it starts with LOOKING BACK. See the past holds the keys to who we are and how we live our lives today. And we all have a past. We all have a story. A story full of events and circumstances that have shaped our lives.

The tragedy is most of us have never really taken the time to think through our past and to analyze it in a way that explains why we are the way we are and why do things the way we do. Because without that kind of understanding it is impossible for us to change the things that need to be changed in order to grasp the AUTHENTIC MANHOOD we were meant to live. Because without that understanding we are driven by forces that we do not understand or are not willing to face and they rob us of living a life of AUTHENTIC MANHOOD.

SIX OBSERVATION ABOUT LOOKING BACK

1. My story is not UNIQUE. As a man I am not ALONE.
Man is that ever the truth. We as men are so good at convincing ourselves we are alone in the things we struggle with and no one else could possibly understand. You know what I find? A lot of guys think everybody had it better than them. But that’s just not true. No matter how good you look on the outside, there’s a lot of stuff going on inside every man. Some of those things are hurtful; some of those things feel like vacuums and missed moments. Some of those things are noble. But everybody has a story, and discovering that other men are like you is one of the great benefits of a meeting with and sharing with other men.

2. When a boy fails to CONNECT with his dad, DEMONS of one kind or another often fill the void.
When dad is not there, it leaves a hole in a son’s psyche. Whether dad wasn’t there emotionally, or whether he wasn’t there altogether, it leaves a hole and the son’s going to fill it with something, something that is a cheap and tragic substitute like - being a workaholic, sexual addiction, alcoholism, or other extremes. It’s all seeking to compensate for something that should have been there, but wasn’t. And what often isn’t there in a man’s life, is a reconciled, healthy relationship with the most significant person in his life growing up – HIS DAD.

3. Many men have yet to reckon with their PAST, or close out the UNFINISHED BUSINESS that still lives there.
This may be due to denial, or refusing to look back. It might be due to a lack of courage or just plain ignorance about the past and how the past affects now. But regardless of the reason, the truth is that some men are still trying at 30, 40, or even 50 to win mom or dad’s approval. And they don’t even know they’re doing it. And so a lot of men spend their lives trying to run from a past that they have absolutely no understanding of.

4. Until a man UNPACKS HIS PAST and deals with the THEMES and the PAINS that reside there, he can never be an authentic man.
Until we as men unpack those things that are in our past that haunt us, we can never achieve Authentic Manhood.
* Always living in the past, men, is not manhood. It’s boyhood.
* Playing the victim because of your past is not manhood; its boyhood.
* Working all the time to achieve things that you don’t even understand is not manhood; it’s boyhood.
* Denying your feelings, rather than grieving over your pain – which you may need to do – is not manhood; it’s boyhood.
* Disconnecting from your past, rather than connecting with it and understanding it, and having the courage to deal with it is not manhood; it’s boyhood.

5. You cannot become a real man without HELP. There is no such thing as a SELF-MADE MAN.
The Scripture says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” The truth of the matter is no man can become an authentic man without the help of other men. We need their insight; we need their accountability; we need their balance in our life.
There are men who have self-made success, but they may have that success at the expense of a number of other things personally. They may be short-sighted; they may be unhealthy; they may be imbalanced and they may be riddled with a number of blind spots. But a healthy man has other men in his life to help make him who needs to be.

For better or worse, we are all significantly shaped by the FAMILY LIFE we experienced.
Our past helps explain you and me: WE ARE PRODUCTS OF THE PAST, BUT WE ARE NOT PRISONERS OF THE PAST.

UNLESS WE CHOOSE TO BE! Unless we choose to ignore our past, or deny our past, or worse, surrender to our past. That’s why it’s important to unpack our past, so we can take a look at what’s in there and we can choose to keep the things that have influenced us in a good sense. At the same time, by unpacking the past and telling our story and explaining ourselves – not just to us, but to others – we can invite help and assistance to break free of those things from our past that are holding us back from the kind of manhood we need to achieve.

It can be done, and it’s FREEING because it ushers us into a whole new existence called AUTHENTIC MANHOOD.

the four faces of manhood

For many of us, the vision of manhood that has been laid at our feet is one of perfection as the humorist Garrison Keeler so eloquently portrayed when he wrote:

“Plato, St. Francis, Leonardo daVinci, Vince Lombardi, Yogi Berra --You don’t find guys of that caliber today. What you find is terrible gender anxiety. Guys desperately trying to be Mr. Right: the man who can bake a cherry pie; go shoot skeet; come back, toss the salad, converse intimately about intimate matters; cry if need be, laugh, hug, be vulnerable, perform passionately that night, and then the next day, go off and lift them bales and tote that barge. You know, trying to be Mr. Perfect, is a terrible way to spend your life.”

And for so many of us we carry this burden of perfection and with it a recipe for failure as men. When in reality what the world really needs, what the world is longing for and what we as men desire is a balance of four expressions, four noble faces in a man’s life.

THE FOUR FACES OF MANHOOD

1. The King Face – It’s a face that doesn’t come easily in a man’s life. The fact is this face has to be cultivated over time. There has to be a number of ingredients that go into helping a man put this face on. It’s through his parents; it’s through mentors; it’s through heroes; stories, faith; persevering through special problems. It comes about through integrating his religion into his life. All of which cultivates in a man’s soul over time. The King Face is forged in the crucible of a man’s life. The King Face has a love of right over comfort and ease.

It’s the face a man shows when he’s asked to cheat on a business deal. It’s the face a man shows when it comes time to keep his promise, although now keeping his promise is going to be extremely difficult. It’s the face a man shows when he makes good on his debt. The face shows when he risks his own life to save another person, or when he’s on a business trip and he’s propositioned by a female companion. It’s the face he shows when he could take advantage of someone else, but he chooses not to. Or he stands up to a good friend whose life is out of control, and risks the friendship in order to call the friend back to what is noble, and what is just. It’s that face he shows without blinking in the face of danger. It’s the fact that doesn’t waiver – even though he knows there are risks and consequences by standing up to that which is ignoble and wrong.

The King Face:

Reflects - Righteous Energy

Proverbs 4:18, “But the path of the righteous is like the light of the dawn that shines brighter and brighter until the full day.”

Is Characterized By :

1. Strong Convictions
2. Courageous moral choices
3. A servant spirit
4. Righteous Leadership

2. The Warrior Face – The Warrior face is the most celebrated and honored of all of the four faces in a man’s life. We love to celebrate great warriors of the past like George Patton ,Teddy Roosevelt, and William Wallace or great sports warriors like Michael Jordan, Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods, and Cal Ripken. We love to honor warriors.
And all of that stirs our soul because there’s something within us that enjoys a good fight. And that’s the Warrior Face. It’s the man who can take life head-on and win; it’s the guy that can take the other guy’s best shot and still say CAGSOT (Come And Get Some Of This). It’s the man who works the hardest or the longest and outlasts the competition. We like the Warrior Face.

The Warrior Face:

Reflects – Conquering Energy

Is Characterized By:

1. Initiative - He goes after it on his own

2. Protecting – He is the one who shields and defends
3. Providing - It goes out and gets and says, ‘I’m going to take care of you. No matter what it takes.’
4. Persevering – amidst all kinds of adversity it

still goes on
5. Fighting - It’s the face that fights

The Warrior face is not a destructive force but rather a Positive Energy Force.

3. The Face of the Lover - The Lover is a face that is as unnatural to a man as the Warrior is natural because love is way more difficult for most of us as men.

It’s the Lover Who:
· picks up on his wife’s real needs;
· is willing to let go of another good business deal in order to spend more time at home.
· can open his heart and share the things that he really feels and who can crack open the door and share the hurt in his life and the pain, and he can connect around that kind of sensitivity of feelings, rather than hide them because he feels like he has to have a front for strenght

The Face of the Lover:

Reflects – Romantic Energy

Is Characterized by:

1. tenderness
2. sensitivity
3. sacrificial care
4. emotional openness
5. physical affection

Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church.”

4. The Face of the Friend - You know the truth is as men we really don’t have friends. Don’t get me wrong, we have a lot of buddies, guys we might golf or fish or hunt or work with.

But we generally really have very few friends at all. The kind of friend that can connect with us at the soul level. The kind of friend that will talk tough to us and get in our face if need be. And quite honestly, as much as may want a friend like that, who has the time or energy.

The Friend Face:
Reflects – Connecting Energy

If you’re going to be the kind of man you’re supposed to be – you have to be connected with other men who can speak into your life; who can call out the best in you; who can cheer for your successes; admire your efforts and be your friend, because that’s what a real friend is.

Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

Characterized By :

1. Loyalty
2. Accountability
3. Challenge
4. Fun

Our world today is in desperate need of seeing in men the balanced and synchronized FOUR FACES of Manhood.