As we take our next step in this journey we come face to face with the Fatherhood wound. And by facing it head on we will be doing something very SIGNIFICANT. We are going to face it PROACTIVELY from two different standpoints and in doing so we have to address two very important questions:
As Fathers
1. How can I avoid inflicting a wound like we’ve been talking about on my sons?
2. How can I make up for the wound that I’ve already inflicted on my sons?
As Sons
1. How do I speak to the wound in my own life from my dad?
2. How do I get healing from that wound?
1. How do I speak to the wound in my own life from my dad?
2. How do I get healing from that wound?
So as we take a bold step directly into this wound we must take it as Fathers and as Son’s.
When looking at scripture the level of importance placed on the relationship between Father and child is eternal. In the last verse of the last chapter of the last book of the Old Testament we find a profound prophecy that is not going to be fulfilled for another 400 years in the nation of Israel. It’s a prophecy concerning a renewal of spirituality brought on first by the coming of John the Baptist and then Jesus himself.
The chapter speaks of how John the Baptist will come and he will begin to stir the hearts of the people of Israel and a revival will break forth. And as we look at the last verse, of the last chapter of the last book of the Old Testament it speaks to that revival, and then the Old Testament closes. And here is how that last verse says you’ll know revival is in the land:
That’s how you’ll know there’s revival in the land. There’ll be reconciliation between children and their dads. Now that is eternal significance and it holds true for you and me today.
HOW TO DEAL WITH THE FATHER WOUND
So how do we deal with the Father Wound? I’m going to give you 8 Proactive Remedies. Three of them are going to be for dads with their sons, and five of them are going to be for sons with their dads. Here’s the first one.
AS A FATHER
1. If you’re a dad, make sure your son has THE ESSENTIALS
It is critical that we as dad’s make sure that when the time comes for our son’s to leave home he has the ESSENTIALS that will ground him and add weight to his life.
1. If you’re a dad, make sure your son has THE ESSENTIALS
It is critical that we as dad’s make sure that when the time comes for our son’s to leave home he has the ESSENTIALS that will ground him and add weight to his life.
The 3 things you need to make sure he hears are these:
a. I love you – That’s Affirmation: he needs to have that kind of affection from you. Not just the physical touch, but he needs to hear from you, dads, specifically – from your mouth: ‘I love you.’
b. ‘I’m proud of you – That’s Admiration: He needs admiration. He needs to know that he stands tall in your eyes.
c. He’s good – That’s Affirmation: you need to say, ‘Son, you’re good! I noticed you. And what I’m noticing in you are your strengths and I can name those strengths.
As dad’s it often easy to take for granted our son’s strengths and bring to light his weaknesses and to name those weaknesses. He needs us to name his strengths. To build him up and hold him high.
PUBLIC ADMIRATION FOR YOUR SON
And let me say this dad’s….There is so much power in naming your son’s strengths and admiring your son’s strengths in public. In front of other men and people he respects. You want to talk about something that will fill your son’s tank up, the next time you are in an appropriate setting with your son, share out loud your admiration for son’s strengths and then watch him fly.
And let me say this dad’s….There is so much power in naming your son’s strengths and admiring your son’s strengths in public. In front of other men and people he respects. You want to talk about something that will fill your son’s tank up, the next time you are in an appropriate setting with your son, share out loud your admiration for son’s strengths and then watch him fly.
THREE THINGS YOUR SON MUST HAVE
a. A manhood vision – and - A Manhood Ceremony to seal it
In the second half of this journey we will really dig into what that Manhood vision is and defining it for ourselves so that we can then pass that on to our son’s.
Next a son needs a manhood ceremony that seals his Manhood. Every son doesn’t just need to be told he’s a man, he needs to have an experience with dad and hopefully a community of other men where he is invited into the community of manhood. He knows: “ON THIS DAY I became a man, and the community recognized me for that.” That’s a ceremony and we’ll talk about how to do those ceremonies in the second half of this QUEST.
a. A manhood vision – and - A Manhood Ceremony to seal it
In the second half of this journey we will really dig into what that Manhood vision is and defining it for ourselves so that we can then pass that on to our son’s.
Next a son needs a manhood ceremony that seals his Manhood. Every son doesn’t just need to be told he’s a man, he needs to have an experience with dad and hopefully a community of other men where he is invited into the community of manhood. He knows: “ON THIS DAY I became a man, and the community recognized me for that.” That’s a ceremony and we’ll talk about how to do those ceremonies in the second half of this QUEST.
b. A Code of Conduct to live by - Primarily what you live by
He needs to see in us honesty, hard work, keeping our word, loyalty, purity and chivalry. We as a dad’s need to think about ‘what are my codes of conduct – what’s the moral code of my home that I am going to exhibit – that I want to be sure my son has?’ The only way he’ll have them is if we live by them and we can name them.
He needs to see in us honesty, hard work, keeping our word, loyalty, purity and chivalry. We as a dad’s need to think about ‘what are my codes of conduct – what’s the moral code of my home that I am going to exhibit – that I want to be sure my son has?’ The only way he’ll have them is if we live by them and we can name them.
c. He needs a transcendent cause - Something to live for other than himself
We are the ones who helps instill in him that larger vision. See, so often a son growing up can become the whole focus of a our life. He can become self-centered, but one of the things we need to deposit in his life is, ‘Son, life is not just about you, there’s something much bigger than you in this world.’ To me it’s a spiritual cause and he needs to be introduced to that spiritual cause by us as a dad.
We are the ones who helps instill in him that larger vision. See, so often a son growing up can become the whole focus of a our life. He can become self-centered, but one of the things we need to deposit in his life is, ‘Son, life is not just about you, there’s something much bigger than you in this world.’ To me it’s a spiritual cause and he needs to be introduced to that spiritual cause by us as a dad.
B. If you’re a dad it’s never too late to CLOSE THE GAP with your son, no matter how old he is.
There are some of you out there, that as we have broken into these issues of manhood wounds and the father wound your thoughts have gone to your son and perhaps the missed opportunities or hurt that has been caused. Perhaps your son is gone and you have this guilt that is hanging over you. If you are a dad and you have been feeling that way, LET ME TAKE THAT BURDEN FROM YOU. So you made some mistakes and perhaps messed up…But here is the blessing: IT IS NEVER, EVER TOO LATE TO CLOSE THE GAP WITH YOUR SON, NO MATTER HOW OLD HE IS. But it is up to you to make the call and begin the process of closing that gap.
There are some of you out there, that as we have broken into these issues of manhood wounds and the father wound your thoughts have gone to your son and perhaps the missed opportunities or hurt that has been caused. Perhaps your son is gone and you have this guilt that is hanging over you. If you are a dad and you have been feeling that way, LET ME TAKE THAT BURDEN FROM YOU. So you made some mistakes and perhaps messed up…But here is the blessing: IT IS NEVER, EVER TOO LATE TO CLOSE THE GAP WITH YOUR SON, NO MATTER HOW OLD HE IS. But it is up to you to make the call and begin the process of closing that gap.
C. If you’re a single dad – or if you’re a dad separated from your son by divorce – or if you’re a dad who has inherited a son through remarriage and you have a blended family – here’s my word for you. Seek help and a sound strategy.
And here is why: Because in many ways you, as a father, are in ‘uncharted waters.’
Even with the epidemic levels of divorce and blended families today, this area is still for most men UNCHARTED WATERS. And people are trying desperately to navigate those waters and unfortunately there are a lot more myths out there than facts.
And here is why: Because in many ways you, as a father, are in ‘uncharted waters.’
Even with the epidemic levels of divorce and blended families today, this area is still for most men UNCHARTED WATERS. And people are trying desperately to navigate those waters and unfortunately there are a lot more myths out there than facts.
So what do you do in those circumstances? Here are a three things I would recommend to you:
1. Read, read, read!
That’s the first principle. There are some great books out there like: “Raising Children in Blended Families” by Maxine Marsolini. If you are one of those Dad’s I mentioned it is absolutely critical that you find a book to read and develop a sound strategy just like you are doing being a part of this journey.
2. Find a Professional
Even after you have read you still may feel uncomfortable. If that is the case then you need to seek out a professional that can assist you in developing a strategy to over come some of the obstacles you are facing in your specific circumstances. If it cost you $100, $150 bucks to spend an hour with a professional, it will be worth it.
3. Develop a sound strategy
You know the Scripture says in Proverbs: ‘In a multitude of counselors there is victory’. You can get a number of those counselors through books and you can get some of them by just simply making an appointment.
1. Read, read, read!
That’s the first principle. There are some great books out there like: “Raising Children in Blended Families” by Maxine Marsolini. If you are one of those Dad’s I mentioned it is absolutely critical that you find a book to read and develop a sound strategy just like you are doing being a part of this journey.
2. Find a Professional
Even after you have read you still may feel uncomfortable. If that is the case then you need to seek out a professional that can assist you in developing a strategy to over come some of the obstacles you are facing in your specific circumstances. If it cost you $100, $150 bucks to spend an hour with a professional, it will be worth it.
3. Develop a sound strategy
You know the Scripture says in Proverbs: ‘In a multitude of counselors there is victory’. You can get a number of those counselors through books and you can get some of them by just simply making an appointment.
AS A SON
D. If you’re a son, wounded by dad, choose to touch this wound RESPONSIBLY
You really have two choices:
1. You can choose to forgive your dad
Look at what Hebrews 12: 9-10 says. He’s comparing God as our Father with our earthly fathers in this particular text and he says:
D. If you’re a son, wounded by dad, choose to touch this wound RESPONSIBLY
You really have two choices:
1. You can choose to forgive your dad
Look at what Hebrews 12: 9-10 says. He’s comparing God as our Father with our earthly fathers in this particular text and he says:
See that part in the middle: AS SEEMED BEST TO THEM. My thought is this: for the vast majority of us, our Dad’s did the best they new how to do, WHAT SEEMED BEST TO THEM. And minus a very small percentage of dad’s, my guess is that most of our dad’s never intended to hurt us. And that if given the opportunity would love to be more connected with us.
2. By choosing to believe in GOD’S JUSTICE
Now for that small percentage of dad’s that for whatever the reason in the face of family, chose to be evil. If that’s you, then you have another choice – and it’s more than just forgiving your dad, it’s also releasing your dad to God’s ultimate justice. Here’s what scripture says in Romans 12:19 says:
Now for that small percentage of dad’s that for whatever the reason in the face of family, chose to be evil. If that’s you, then you have another choice – and it’s more than just forgiving your dad, it’s also releasing your dad to God’s ultimate justice. Here’s what scripture says in Romans 12:19 says:
E. If you’re a son wounded by dad, Courageously Seek Reconciliation with your father.
Here is the deal with this principle: If you as a son suffer from a separation with dad, most likely, DAD IS NOT GOING TO COME TO YOU. And so here it is! For some of you, here is your first opportunity to really STEP UP INTO MANHOOD by going to dad and STEPPING DIRECTLY into this MANHOOD WOUND. But if we want reconciliation, if we are going to embrace this issue of AUTHENTIC MANHOOD, it is something we must do. And what’s amazing is when you do go to dad; you will begin to feel something change in you. And you will begin to feel that breech in your relationship heal.
Here is the deal with this principle: If you as a son suffer from a separation with dad, most likely, DAD IS NOT GOING TO COME TO YOU. And so here it is! For some of you, here is your first opportunity to really STEP UP INTO MANHOOD by going to dad and STEPPING DIRECTLY into this MANHOOD WOUND. But if we want reconciliation, if we are going to embrace this issue of AUTHENTIC MANHOOD, it is something we must do. And what’s amazing is when you do go to dad; you will begin to feel something change in you. And you will begin to feel that breech in your relationship heal.
F. If you’re a son wounded by dad, risk asking for your FATHER’S LOVE.
You know, there are probably many of you that have never the heard the words “I love you” from your father. And that is significant because each and everyone of desires and needs to hear that from our Dad’s. So if you want to hear it, then it’s time to put on the chin strap and go ask him.
G. If you’re a son wounded by dad, risk asking for your FATHER’S BLESSING.
Maybe some of you never got that verbal affirmation from our father, that blessing that said: “Son I am proud of you, I am proud of where you are in your life and where you are going and the way you are doing it” and so there has always been this vacuum inside, that questions how your dad really feels about you and if he is proud of you.
And you know, every man longs to have his fathers blessing. But if you haven’t, then maybe what you need to do is get up and go ask for it. THAT’S REAL MANHOOD.
H. If you’re a son wounded by dad, you can RECLAIM the relationship you missed as a son by becoming a GREAT DAD to your children.
The cycle has to stop with us. We have to make the conscious and intentional decision to ask for help, read books, and step up into AUTHENTIC MANHOOD for our children and our families.
It’s so much more than just being present. It’s connecting with them on a spiritual level. Investing in their lives so that they can take what we have we have given them and multiply it over generations. That is SIGNIFICANT.
And so as we look back at this Fatherhood Wound, we have to decide whether we are going to continue to compensate for it, continue to hide and hope we don’t feel, and hope it doesn’t inflict pain on our families, and continue to hide in BOYHOOD. Or we can strap it on, step out and face this wound HEAD ON and in doing so step directly into MANHOOD. It’s your choice. But let me say, IT IS SO VERY WERTH IT……For generations to come. You can do it. I know you can. And that is how we walk into the FATHERHOOD WOUND.
"If your vision is for a year, plant wheat. If your vision is for ten years, plant trees. If your vision is for a lifetime, plant people." 
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2 comments:
Dude,
that was a long post, a long one but a good one. I love your coffin of customization.
It's a slow painful death.
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