remembering dad

Ah, remembering dad. For most of us dad is what we like to call emotional whitewater. It truly is amazing the immense emotion that is wrapped up in a father son relationship.

See, every single one of us whether being a father ourselves or in remembering dad, there is this intense, undeserving admiration that takes place between son and father. There’s just this natural instinct for a son to worship his dad. And although undeserved, it exists. And here is why:

Proverbs 17:6 “The glory of sons is their dads.”

So dad can build on that advantage, that admiration, or he can squander it. But sons want desperately to be like dad. And they are watching us. And if that admiration is embraced and nurtured by dad then the son get’s to go out into life steadied and HIS LIFE IS BLESSED BY DAD. But if that admiration is squandered, then the son looses that advantage and will eventually come to realize that he has not been blessed, and that wound begins to rise up and he begins to hurt.

The unfortunate reality is that we are facing an epidemic in this country of fatherless homes and as a result boys are being inflicted with this wound on a daily bases. And the sad truth is that when DAD is missing in a son’s life, most times a son will not have the strength and stability to stand in life. And so as a result he sinks. He tends to drift in life and is incapable of living the kind of MANHOOD he was meant to live under the umbrella of that a healthy relationship with DAD. David Blankenhorn, in his book Fatherless America, said it this way:

“As a father, the good family man is not perfect, but he is good enough to be irreplaceable. He is a father on the premises. His children need him and he strives to give them what they need every day. He knows that nothing can substitute for him – nothing. Either he is a father, or his children are fatherless. He would never consider himself ‘not that important."

Son’s desperately need DAD to be a part of their lives.

DEFINING THE ABSENT FAHER WOUND

In session four we defined a WOUND and talked briefly about the MANHOOD wounds that we find in our suitcase or our lives. But as we REMEMBER DAD it is important that we clearly define what the Absent Father Wound is that may inflict us. The Absent Father Wound is defined as:

An ongoing emotional, social or spiritual DEFICIT that’s ordinarily met in a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP with dad that now must be overcome by OTHER MEANS.

An emotional deficit = No a heart connection with Dad

A social deficit = No companionship with dad.

A spiritual deficit = No substantive connection or direction from dad.

MEMORIES

I have had the privilege of spending many hours just reliving memories that men have shared with me about their fathers. Many of them were great memories of fishing and hunting, camping, sports, and just spending time together.
A TRIBUTE

If you find yourself in this camp of great memories with dad, let me encourage you to write your father a tribute. Take the time to re-count the many great memories you are so grateful to your father for placing in your life. And then take that tribute, that letter, and frame it and present it to him. He deserves it and so do you.

BAD MEMORIES
On the other hand for some of us we find ourselves on the other side, the side of the ABSENT FATHER and the pain and frustration that goes with that. And so we recall the things that we missed, and wanted to receive, but never did.
THE EFFECTS OF THE ABSENT FATHER WOUND
If you look back at your life and what you discover is a wound, then we need to talk about the effects of the Absent Father Wound. So I want to give you four things we see in men that indicate they have the wound.

1. Anger and pain
Boys that grew up to be men without dad feel anger and they’re not sure why. They feel pain. But you know, the Bible speaks clearly to that? It shows the connection between a man’s anger and his dad. Two verses in particular point this out.

The first is:

Ephesians 6:4. It says to dads: “And dads, do not provoke your children to anger, (Isn’t that interesting?) but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

The second is:

Colossians 3:21. It says: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children that they may lose heart.”

So when a boy has been wounded by dad he loses heart with life. He doesn’t feel like he is any good and he doesn’t feel like he is going anywhere. And so he turns in on himself and that makes him mad.

James Toney, who was once the International Federation middleweight boxing champ, was pictured on the cover of Sports Illustrated. They were asking him why he was such a tenacious boxer. I want you to listen to his words:

"I fight with anger. My dad – he did my mom wrong. He made my mom work two jobs, and he left his responsibilities behind, and I can never forgive that. I hope my father reads this article because if he ever decides to come out of the woodwork, I’ll be ready for him. Everything I do in the ring is about that. I look at my opponent and I see my dad, so I have to take him out. I’ll do anything I have to do to get my dad out of there.”

2. Extreme behaviors, specifically addictions or obsessions
And where anger is one way a son expresses the pain that has been inflicted, addictions are a way he suppresses the pain. So he takes the pain of that hole in his heart that has been left as a result of not having our fathers in our lives and he numbs the pain with things like DRUGS, ALCHOHAL, SEXUAL ADDICTION, and PORNOGROPHY. Because they are all a way for us as men to numb the pain that we do not understand.
And that’s why this issue of looking back is so very important, because it gives us the keys to unlocking the past that haunts us and drives us into the addictive and obsessive behaviors to numb a pain that we do not understand.

3. An inner sense of lostness – or incompleteness
So maybe you have not gone to the extremes of addictions or compulsive behaviors, but still you have this inner feeling of being lost, directionless, or just plain empty. Like there is just this piece missing inside that you just can’t get our hands around. It is a symptom of the Absent Father wound.

4. Homosexuality
Look closely at the words of Dr. Elizabeth Moberly of Oxford University. In her study on homosexuality she concluded that homosexuality, for the most part, in her words:

“Is a fracture of the relationship with the parent of the same sex. Homosexuality then becomes at an adult level a vain, eroticized attempt to recover from that fracture.” “Much, if not all, of homosexuality, depends on difficulties in the parent-child relationship, especially in the early years of life. The homosexual, whether a man or a woman, has suffered from some deficit in the relationship with the parent of the same sex, and later there is a corresponding drive to make good that deficit through the medium of same-sex, homosexual relationships as an adult.”

And so that wound left by the ABSENT FATHER creates this fissure -- this psychic fissure – or CRACK that a man wants to recover from as a result of the Absent Father Wound.

WHAT EVERY SON WANTS/NEEDS
So what is it that every son wants and needs from his father? Let me give you five things I think that every son wants and needs from his dad:

1. Time Together
You know the old adage: “It’s quality not quantity” it’s garbage. It’s a lie, unless you are talking about “QUALITY QUANTIY TIME”. Sons want dad’s time – they want those experiences and memories. Because it’s those positive experiences and memories that will give weight to his life. That will steady his soul.

2. LIFE SKILLS
Listen to what it says in Proverbs 22:6:

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

He won’t depart from it because it will make sense:
o He’ll know how to write out a check and keep up with his account.
o He’ll know what to do when he and his date walk up to the door.
o He’ll know how to share his heart.
o He won’t feel like a fool in life, because you’ve trained him up in the way he should go.

That verse also speaks to the issue of being sensitive to your child’s bent or gift. It’s important that we pay attention to what our child’s strengths are, what their bent is, and help craft a path that will maximize that gift. If our child has a gift with art we can’t try and force him or her to be an athlete. We need to honor their gifts and empower them to maximize them.

3. Dad’s direction with solid ‘why’ answers
What a son needs from dad is a philosophy about what life is all about. Deuteronomy chapter six encourages dads to do this with their sons:

“And these words which I am commanding [God is saying I am commanding] you today. You take these words and they shall be on your heart [Dad] and you shall teach them to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by they way, and when you lie down and when you rise up.”

This scripture is right at the heart of what we talked about a few weeks ago when we said PASS THE GREAT STUFF ON TO YOUR SON. Going to his events, attending his games, and being involved in his life is all very good stuff. But what this is saying is TEACH HIM THE GREAT STUFF. Stuff like:

o what is life about?
o What does it mean to be a man?
o What does it mean to be a man with a woman?
o What happens to you when you die?’

That’s the kind of things dads need to be talking to their sons about when they lie down and when they rise up, and when they walk through the day.

4. Dad’s convictions through modeling

WRITE THIS DOWN:
We will leave in our son what we have lived out in our home
It’s not just what you say; it’s what you do. It’s the way you react and the son sees that and that builds conviction – a certain security about life.
Look at the way Paul says it in 1st Thessalonians as he uses an example of fathering to talk about spiritual fathering:

You are witnesses, and so is God, how devoutly and uprightly and blamelessly we behaved towards you believers.

That is, ‘you saw our convictions.’ Just as you know how we were exhorting and encouraging and imploring each one of you as a father would his own children.
You see what a father IMPLORES and EXHORTS his own children with is his CONVICTIONS. And when a child sees those convictions and hears those words, it makes sense. And when you take your convictions and your modeling and your words together and you begin living what you are saying, we call that INTEGRITY INTEGRATION. And that’s what every child needs because it is easy to follow.

5. But most of all, what every son needs is his Dad’s heart.
Every son needs to be loved by dad and affirmed by dad and blessed by dad. In fact, if you’re a dad there are three things you’d better be sure your son leaves home with. He needs to hear from you:

(a) I love you,
(b) I’m proud of you,
(c) And you’re good at [something}

We get to see an incredible example of this scripture throught he life of Jesus. Yes that’s right Jesus. Because as a man His needs were not different that yours and mine. So at a critical time in Christs life in Mathew 17:5 we see the heavens open and the words of His father proclaim:

“This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased. Listen to Him. "

Do you see it:
o “This is My beloved Son.” - ‘Son, I love You!’ Here it is, a critical moment in Jesus’ ministry and heaven opened up and the Father said, “I love You.”
o ‘in whom I am well-pleased’ “I’m proud of You!”
o And then He tells the disciples around Jesus, “Listen to Him!” (because He’s really good!)

I want you to know every son needs that kind of a blessing from dad. If a son doesn’t get time with his dad, or some life skills or some direction, some convictions or some heart, then it leaves this huge vacuum and void and wound in his life.