unpacking the past

For most of us, the past is riddled with both good and bad memories. With noble moments and not so noble moments. And yet in those memories leys the answers to who we are and why we do the things we do.

Each and everyone of us carries a suitcase on our journey through manhood. How we unpack that suitcase and deal with the UNFINISHED BUSINESS of the past will determine the type of man we will become.

ADDRESSING THE UNFINISHED BUSINESS OF OUR PAST

When talking about ADDRESSING UNFINISHED BUSINESS we are not talking about blaming the past for who we are today. It’s much bigger and important than that. What we are talking about is really getting in touch with our past and understanding it so that I can be the man I need to be. And I can then change the things I need to change. And the POWER is that we are able to alter our focus and begin stabilizing our stance so that we can start moving forward in an empowered way.

THE WOUNDS OF A MAN’S SOUL

The unfinished business of a man’s life are wounds that have been inflicted on him in his past. We define a wound as:

Any UNRESOLVED ISSUE where a lack of closure adversely impacts and shapes the DIRECTION and DYNAMICS of a man’s life now.

THE FIVE MANHOOD WOUNDS

1. The ABSENT FATHER Wound
Now when we say “absent father” we mean either a dad who wasn’t there altogether, or a dad who was there, but he wasn’t there.
And when dad is not there, it leaves a huge gaping wound in our lives. Sadly a lot of young men have never, ever finished this business with dad. It’s so easy in the midst of that wound to either get angry and close the lid on our feelings or pretend that it’s just going to go away. But we have to know, it doesn’t “just go away” until we deal with it in an appropriate way. Then we can put it to rest and can go on to live an authentic manhood life. That’s what we mean when we talk about this Father Wound. It is so important.

2. Overly-BONDED with MOTHER Wound

The Overly-Bonded with Mother wound often occurs when we were growing up, and mom – for whatever reason – invested too strongly in us. She didn’t mean to hurt us; that was not her intention. Many times she rushed in because she was trying to compensate for the dad that wasn’t there. Or maybe he was there, and not involved – but she got over-involved and she overly nurtured us, and overly controlled us, and she touched our world too much. She bonded with us too deeply and she took care of us too often.

And the result is a man who goes out into the world wounded by being OVERLY-BNDED with MOM and often has one of two reactions:

1. He resented that control and fought with that control, and didn’t like that control and so he goes out with an image of ‘I’m not going to be controlled by anyone, particularly women’! So he always has a difficult time with women, because he either has to dominate them, or he’s scared of them, because he sees the shadow of mother in all of them.
2. Or, like a lot of guys today, he succumbed to the control and he succumbed to this power that bonded with him too deeply and so here he is at 25 or 35 or 45 or 55 and mom, in whatever way – from whatever distance – is still dictating the terms, controlling their emotions, and violating the boundaries of his family.

3. The ALL-ALONE Wound
Far too often as men we find ourselves all alone on this journey of manhood. And as badly as we might want to be connected, we walk through life completely disconnected from other men that are on the same journey. Friends who in the midst of turmoil are there to hold us up and can CHEER for us in the noble things of life.

We develop these large BLIND SPOTS in life that everyone else seems to be able to see but us. And with the ALL-ALONE wound we damn ourselves to continually making the same mistakes over and over again because we ourselves do not have the perspective too be able to see them because we are disconnected and all alone.

You know, one of the ingredients in modern life that’s so desperately missing? It is older men attaching themselves, in friendship, to younger men. Older men who connect with younger men to encourage them and mentor them. Mentoring seems to be missing in our world today and most young men have no older man around them who are just admiring and encouraging them in their life.

4. The Lack of a Manhood VISION Wound
This wound is as a result of having no clear vision of who you are going to be. And so we then become subjected to a societal driven “CONVINTIONAL VISION OF MANHOOD” which says:

“If you’ll put your warrior face on. If you clamp down the armor tight and you work really hard, I mean really hard -- I know it’s going to hurt you, and it’s probably going to hurt your family, too -- but if you’ll work really hard, in the end you’re going to get what you want and then you won’t need anybody. You’ll get there! You’ll be on top of the mountain!”

And so Generation after generation of men set out “TO TAKE THE HILL” of this CONVINTIONAL VISION OF MANHOOD” to find out at 35, 45, or 55, that it aint workin and so they burn out. Or for those select few that do make it, the few that make it to the top, they quickly find out that they had been climbing the wrong mountain all along and that the CONVINTIONAL VISION OF MANHOOD was a LIE!

And it creates a great wound because we have no vision that will take us over a lifetime into a noble masculinity.

5. The Heart Wound
The Heart wound is a wound that everyone has, because it is not a wound of NURTURE; it is a wound that we’re born with. It is a wound of NATURE.

Since the beginning of time, man has questioned why he feels drawn to do evil. Just think for a moment. Have there ever been times in your life when you just sat back and said to yourself, ‘Why do I find myself doing the things that I don’t want to do? That I know are wrong? Why do I keep investing myself in things that I know are going to hurt me and my family, and yet I keep doing it? Why do I get out of control? Why do I give in to temptation? To anger? Why is it that the things I know are right, and I know would help everyone – I can’t find the power to do?’ Have you ever asked those questions of yourself? Sure you have. We’ve all experienced this particular wound at one time or another.

The answer to all those questions is this, we all have a wound of the soul and spirit that no counselor can fix. It’s just part of our birthright, unfortunately. It’s a wound that requires a deeper answer. And unless we’ve learned how to fix it, this problem will continually – every day – undercut our masculinity and our attempts at authentic manhood. That’s what the HEART wound represents.

You see, how a man addresses this unfinished business will determine the kind of man he will become. So, the first issue in authentic manhood is addressing the unfinished business of my past.